True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
