im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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