How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
