I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
