I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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