me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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