Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I could fuck to npr.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
