So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
40s are totally the cure
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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