Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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