alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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