she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
