Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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