This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
