Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
