You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
