Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
