Where did you get a picture of my penis
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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