my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
