I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She even gives head with a lisp.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
