Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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