He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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