My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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