im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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