Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
