Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
