The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
