I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
