Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
