She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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