I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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