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Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
