A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
