bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
