did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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