Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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