i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
