Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
