meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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