I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
