i jhust puked up my retainher.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
