So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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