I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
