Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
