just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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