Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
