I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
