i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
