it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
