I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
