so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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