The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
not ubering you a puppy
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
