I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
