i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
