Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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