There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
