i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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