new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
