At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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