Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
