my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize