guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize